Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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