broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
i am craving dick and cupcakes
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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