Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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