my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
time to smoke my breakfast
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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