I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
my vag is so smooth its legendary
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
