I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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