after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
