Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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