I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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