youre lurking in front of me
I met the friendliest cop last night
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Randomize
