Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize