I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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