highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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