Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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