we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize