I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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