I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Hippo gnu deer
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
