The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
