so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize