My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I want her autograph on my taint
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
