I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
