I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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