im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Randomize
