i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
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