My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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