We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
