Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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