I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
