I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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