either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
