just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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