I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
