Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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