what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I love you.
Bad choice
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