Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I came so hard my ears popped.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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