You really coming over, don't trick.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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