Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
can u get pink eye on your cock?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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