He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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