Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
