i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
