I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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