This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
