dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
