Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize