i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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