nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
