I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
