I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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