Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
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