Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
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