Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
