i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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