Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
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