why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize