Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
