he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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