I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Come see our sink grown plant.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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