when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
