i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
