is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
