i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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