I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Randomize
