Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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