I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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