Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
