I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
