I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
